I have been through a lot of hard times in my life as I am sure everyone has. It's life, bad things happen. I might have thought that the hard times for me were over...bc they should be over right? Or maybe I have just been so happy and carefree for the past two years that I forgot what it felt like to have bad things happen. So last week was a shock and it was traumatic and it was a lot to handle and I got overwhelmed. But I have to say I am ashamed of how negative I got. I am not a negative person. I find life exciting and fun and wonderful...most of the time.

I feel like i was weak and i just gave up seeing how wonderful life is. My friends brought me back from that. They really did. When i couldn't be strong they were strong for me. Kirsten held me and let me cry in her arms. Kelly came over at night just to talk, let me live vicariously through her...not to mention the margaritas Sean wiped a tear from my eye without judging or questioning me. Billy gave me wine,...and there was the cuddling!! Tim and Kelly told me it's okay to feel emotions and to stop being so hard on myself. Jackie talked some sense into me and gave great advice. Cassy let me know about Team in Training. Liz and Sun showed me that a positive outlook is possible even in the most devastating situations. Rachel listened to me and cried with me. Alys, Klinger, Rachel and Liz joined me in "stomping out cancer" Sun showed me how amazing faith can be. Tom and my mom prayed when i couldn't.

Even new friends were more of a help than they probably know. My classmates went to the fair with me. Derrek offered me ice cream. I just hope that I'm being as good a freind to everyone as they have been for me.

Today I was thiking of Liz and Sun's dad and the journey they have ahead of them. It's going to be a hard journey. And we will all be there for them while they go through it. I was wondering if they were going to be alright and I looked up and saw a rainbow. I don't know if that was an answer to my question or not, what I do know is that it reminded me that there are a million happy moments in life and we can't disregard them in the hard times. For one week I let myself cry and be a wreck but that's all. One week. I'm not saying the crying is over...i'm just saying that life is not horrible and there is hope and miracles and MODERN MEDICINE! haha. so yeah, thank you, all of you who were there for me when i was down. You were a support for me and hopefully i can be that same supposrt for those who need it most. Because a number of the people mentioned above are going through a lot of hard times and my heart truly goes out to them (sun, rachel, alys, liz).





"This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell ....we'd be held." -Natalie Grant

 

 

August 3rd:

 

ou-apart pain. I hate love." -in Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I read this and was like, yeah this is exactly how i feel.  i think mostly i hate being vulnerable. i hate that another person has a power over you, a power to hurt you and make your life all of a sudden not make sense bc you don't know how to deal with the emotions that are now in bedded in your soul. my whole attitude on relationships, on love, on sharing your life with someone in that romantic sense has all changed. I don't know if i'll be able to trust a guy again, if i'll be able to open up to anyone besides my friends who i do trust explicitly, or if i'll ever be able to fall in love, real love.

my problem in the past has been not loving myself. bc if you don't love yourself you can't completely be in love with another. now that i have found that self love and self confidence i have a problem of a different fold. I have always believed in the good in people, that people are respectful and nice and considerate of others. that is now shattered. I want it back, to just trust people, more specifically men, again. but i have now come to realize that people are mostly selfish and the way they act is based on self interest more than anything else. i have given so much of myself to people in my life. i try to consider other peoples feelings before acting and being there for people when they need me, despite the time or the inconvenience to me. you know what sucks about this the most? I all of a sudden want to be more selfish, to do what i want to do despite how it effects others, i want other people to be here for me for a change instead of the other way around. i don't want to hurt anyone, i just want to do what i want to do when i want to do it instead of always putting myself last.

that may not be a horrible thing, bc i really do put myself last and that isn't fair to me. but i can't be completely selfish, it is really against my nature. plus, what kind of world would this be if all the nice selfless people just fold and become what we hate? what needs to happen is the other way around. the mean and selfish people need to see the example and rewards of being nice and considerate and THEY need to change.

I don't know where i'm going with this. i don't really know where i'm going in life after this. its too depressing to think i'll never find that someone but i think for now I am good with dating and not getting serious or too close to guys. I'm good with the fun dates, the going out and meeting new people and hanging out at bars without an agenda or a more serious intent other than getting to know them and having fun. the part of dating that doesn't require being vulnerable or opening up. is especially fun having guys be interested in you on a first glance and buying your drinks and talking to you all night bc they just think you are beautiful and interesting and fun. this is a side of dating i never have experienced before bc i just never had that confidence or beauty that allowed me to experience it. it really is fun. but real love? the kind that comes with vulnerability and approaching pain and heartache? no thank you.